Humor

[RayLCC]

This days moving slower than a line of petite underware at walmart.
Let hear something funny. Whatcha got?

[mattadams]

Hmm ok this is all I can do on short notice:
Why are breasts like a train set?
Because they're made to be used by children, but the father always wants to play with them.
:)

[RayLCC]

A local church has a young pastor. The pastor and his wife are expecting their first child, so he asks the congregation for a pay raise to help his new and growing family. The congregation naturally agrees and sets his pay scale to the amount of children he has.
Over the years, the pastors pay goes up and up as he and his wife have more and more children. At kid number 8 a meeting is called to discuss the growing financial burden of the pastors salary and during the meeting various members of the church argue back and forth about the expense until the pastor finally stands up in disgust and shouts:
"HAVING CHILDREN IS AN ACT OF GOD!!!
The church members sheepishly look at one another and say nothing until a little old lady in the back stands up and says:
"Rain and snow are an act of god too... But when it gets too much, most of us have the sense to put on our rubbers." :)

[Slag]

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to
be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member
of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces.

"s**t!" said the Hypnotist...


It took three days to clean up the senior center

[thesoundmaster]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.


"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.""No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[thesoundmaster]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.


The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,

"What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,

"A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the
same.."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
waitress.


"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.. "Excuse me sir,
how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[dannan_w]

i love the last one nice i am having a hard time staying in my chair lol

[cory]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'Potentially' and 'Realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and
then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We
could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a
great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I
LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied: "Yes.
'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but
'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future
congressman."

[JuBean]

Once there was a farm way out in the boonies and the old farmer and his horse Hobbin ran things the old fashiond way, with the farmers hands and the Hobins's strength. Many a year passed and the farmer knew that one day his horse would not be able to take the work any more so he brought home a young foal Nobbin to watch and learn from the old Hobbin how to properly run a farm. The young Nobbin grew and watched and like all young up and comers he decided one day that it was his time to take over the farm. So he trotted into the horsey bar right up to the booth where the old horse was with his mares sipping on some horsey beer and he stomped his feet and said, "It is time for you to step aside old guy because this is now my farm!" Old Hobbin laughed and told Nobbin that in order to take over the farm he would have to prove to everyone that he was better than Hobbin. Nobbin quickly blurted out then lets hold a race tomorrow and the fastest horse will rule the farm. Hobbin agreed to this challenge and excused himself from his mares and he went out to the horsey gym to do some reverse curls and drink some horsey protien shakes. Nobbin on the other hand went back to his stall drank some beers and chuckled to himself about how there was no way the old Hobbin could outrun him!
The next day dawned bright and clear and all of the farm animals were gathered along the fence to see the race and to see who would run the farm. Hobbin and Nobbin lined up and the farmer fired a shot and like the wind Hobbin and Nobbin took off
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the first corner
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the corn field
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck past the barn
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the last corner
And at the finish line it is Old Hobbin by a full horse length.
The cows mooed and the ducks quacked; the dogs barked and the cats meowed cheering for old Hobbin while Nobbin slipped away to his stall to pound some horsey beers.
Later that evening after a few too many Nobbin stormed into the horsey bar where Hobbin was at his booth with his mares celebrating and he blurted out, "Not to bad old guy but I bet you cannot run a race like that two days in a row. The winner of the race tommorrow will run the farm!"
Hobbin agreed to this challenge and excused himself from his mares and he went out to the horsey gym to do some reverse curls and drink some horsey protien shakes. Nobbin on the other hand went back to his stall drank some beers and chuckled to himself about how there was no way the old Hobbin could outrun him two days in a row!
The next day dawned bright and clear and all of the farm animals were gathered along the fence to see the race and to see who would run the farm. Hobbin and Nobbin lined up and the farmer fired a shot and like the wind Hobbin and Nobbin took off
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the first corner
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the corn field
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck past the barn
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the last corner
And at the finish line it is Old Hobbin by a full horse length.
The cows mooed and the ducks quacked; the dogs barked and the cats meowed cheering for old Hobbin while Nobbin slipped away to his stall to pound some horsey beers.
Later that evening after a few too many Nobbin stormed into the horsey bar where Hobbin was at his booth with his mares celebrating and he exclaimed, "Not to bad old guy but I bet you cannot run a race like that three days in a row. The winner of the race tommorrow will run the farm!"
Hobbin agreed to this challenge and excused himself from his mares and he went out to the horsey gym to do some reverse curls and drink some horsey protien shakes. Nobbin on the other hand went back to his stall drank some water, ate some oats and thought to himself about how there was no way the old Hobbin could outrun him and keep the farm!
The next day dawned bright and clear and all of the farm animals were gathered along the fence to see the race and to see who would run the farm. Hobbin and Nobbin lined up and the farmer fired a shot and like the wind Hobbin and Nobbin took off
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the first corner
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the corn field
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck past the barn
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the last corner
And at the finish line it is Old Hobbin by half a horse length.
The cows mooed and the ducks quacked; the dogs barked and the cats meowed cheering for old Hobbin while Nobbin slipped away to his stall to pound some horsey beers.
With the fire of determination Nobbin again stormed into the horsey bar where Hobbin was at his booth with his mares celebrating and he said, "Not bad old guy but I'll bet you can't run like that much longer." Hobbin agreed to another race to determine who would control the farm.
This time Nobbin went out to the horsey gym to do some reverse curls and drink some horsey protien shakes.
The next day dawned bright and clear and all of the farm animals were gathered along the fence to see the race and to see who would run the farm. Hobbin and Nobbin lined up and the farmer fired a shot and like the wind Hobbin and Nobbin took off
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the first corner
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the corn field
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck past the barn
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the last corner
And at the finish line it is young Nobbin by the hair on a ducks nose!
Old Hobbin feeling a little winded congratulated Nobbin and said that he had finally proved that he had what it took to run the farm. That evening at the horsey bar Nobbin was at the booth so long occupied by Hobbin and he celebrated with his mares when the farmers dog walked up to Nobbin and said, "That was an awesome race today Nobbin! I look foreward to working with you!"
All of the farm animals looked at each other stunned and said, "a dog that talks?"

[JuBean]

If you actually read all of that then you my friend are very bored:p

[mattadams]

what a stupid joke, I skimmed it... LOL
Reminds me of a stupid joke that seemed funny around 6th grade...
Kid gets his report card for 1st grade, it turns out well so his father offers him a gift in exchange for his good grades. He says "A box of green golf balls", father doesn't know why but gets his son the box of green golf balls.
Kid gets his report card for 2nd grade, it turns out well so his father offers him a gift in exchange for his good grades. He says "A box of green golf balls", father doesn't know why but gets his son the box of green golf balls.
Kid gets his report card for 3rd grade, it turns out well so his father offers him a gift in exchange for his good grades. He says "A box of green golf balls", father doesn't know why but gets his son the box of green golf balls.
Kid gets his report card for 4th grade, it turns out well so his father offers him a gift in exchange for his good grades. He says "A box of green golf balls", father doesn't know why but gets his son the box of green golf balls.
Kid gets his report card for 5th grade, it turns out well so his father offers him a gift in exchange for his good grades. He says "A box of green golf balls", father doesn't know why but gets his son the box of green golf balls.

On and on and on until he is a senior in high school, this gets to where you try to see how long your friends will keep listening to the joke so you'll keep saying no wait the joke is getting to its best part"...

Then the kid is graduating high school, and his dad finally asks him "what did you want all those green golf balls for?" and the son says "oh, it was..." and then died.

[JuBean]

what a stupid joke, I skimmed it... LOL
Yeah, those kinds of joks are better left for long car rides with a bunch of people who are bored out of their minds because 5 minutes seems to drag on for an hour. The reaction is always better in those situations as well:popcorn:

[Walking Eagle]

Once there was a farm way out in the boonies and the old farmer and his horse Hobbin ran things the old fashiond way, with the farmers hands and the Hobins's strength. Many a year passed and the farmer knew that one day his horse would not be able to take the work any more so he brought home a young foal Nobbin to watch and learn from the old Hobbin how to properly run a farm. The young Nobbin grew and watched and like all young up and comers he decided one day that it was his time to take over the farm. So he trotted into the horsey bar right up to the booth where the old horse was with his mares sipping on some horsey beer and he stomped his feet and said, "It is time for you to step aside old guy because this is now my farm!" Old Hobbin laughed and told Nobbin that in order to take over the farm he would have to prove to everyone that he was better than Hobbin. Nobbin quickly blurted out then lets hold a race tomorrow and the fastest horse will rule the farm. Hobbin agreed to this challenge and excused himself from his mares and he went out to the horsey gym to do some reverse curls and drink some horsey protien shakes. Nobbin on the other hand went back to his stall drank some beers and chuckled to himself about how there was no way the old Hobbin could outrun him!
The next day dawned bright and clear and all of the farm animals were gathered along the fence to see the race and to see who would run the farm. Hobbin and Nobbin lined up and the farmer fired a shot and like the wind Hobbin and Nobbin took off
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the first corner
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the corn field
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck past the barn
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the last corner
And at the finish line it is Old Hobbin by a full horse length.
The cows mooed and the ducks quacked; the dogs barked and the cats meowed cheering for old Hobbin while Nobbin slipped away to his stall to pound some horsey beers.
Later that evening after a few too many Nobbin stormed into the horsey bar where Hobbin was at his booth with his mares celebrating and he blurted out, "Not to bad old guy but I bet you cannot run a race like that two days in a row. The winner of the race tommorrow will run the farm!"
Hobbin agreed to this challenge and excused himself from his mares and he went out to the horsey gym to do some reverse curls and drink some horsey protien shakes. Nobbin on the other hand went back to his stall drank some beers and chuckled to himself about how there was no way the old Hobbin could outrun him two days in a row!
The next day dawned bright and clear and all of the farm animals were gathered along the fence to see the race and to see who would run the farm. Hobbin and Nobbin lined up and the farmer fired a shot and like the wind Hobbin and Nobbin took off
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the first corner
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the corn field
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck past the barn
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the last corner
And at the finish line it is Old Hobbin by a full horse length.
The cows mooed and the ducks quacked; the dogs barked and the cats meowed cheering for old Hobbin while Nobbin slipped away to his stall to pound some horsey beers.
Later that evening after a few too many Nobbin stormed into the horsey bar where Hobbin was at his booth with his mares celebrating and he exclaimed, "Not to bad old guy but I bet you cannot run a race like that three days in a row. The winner of the race tommorrow will run the farm!"
Hobbin agreed to this challenge and excused himself from his mares and he went out to the horsey gym to do some reverse curls and drink some horsey protien shakes. Nobbin on the other hand went back to his stall drank some water, ate some oats and thought to himself about how there was no way the old Hobbin could outrun him and keep the farm!
The next day dawned bright and clear and all of the farm animals were gathered along the fence to see the race and to see who would run the farm. Hobbin and Nobbin lined up and the farmer fired a shot and like the wind Hobbin and Nobbin took off
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the first corner
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the corn field
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck past the barn
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the last corner
And at the finish line it is Old Hobbin by half a horse length.
The cows mooed and the ducks quacked; the dogs barked and the cats meowed cheering for old Hobbin while Nobbin slipped away to his stall to pound some horsey beers.
With the fire of determination Nobbin again stormed into the horsey bar where Hobbin was at his booth with his mares celebrating and he said, "Not bad old guy but I'll bet you can't run like that much longer." Hobbin agreed to another race to determine who would control the farm.
This time Nobbin went out to the horsey gym to do some reverse curls and drink some horsey protien shakes.
The next day dawned bright and clear and all of the farm animals were gathered along the fence to see the race and to see who would run the farm. Hobbin and Nobbin lined up and the farmer fired a shot and like the wind Hobbin and Nobbin took off
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the first corner
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the corn field
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck past the barn
And it is Hobbin and Nobbin neck and neck around the last corner
And at the finish line it is young Nobbin by the hair on a ducks nose!
Old Hobbin feeling a little winded congratulated Nobbin and said that he had finally proved that he had what it took to run the farm. That evening at the horsey bar Nobbin was at the booth so long occupied by Hobbin and he celebrated with his mares when the farmers dog walked up to Nobbin and said, "That was an awesome race today Nobbin! I look foreward to working with you!"
All of the farm animals looked at each other stunned and said, "a dog that talks?"

I wish you were within bitch slapping distance. :flipoff2:

[dannan_w]

same here that was a long story about nothing, very funny i liked it

[cntrycowgirl]

yeah, can honestly say, i didn't even bother to read that one, LOL

[Ocrane]

ok heres what ive got

Johnny wanted to screw a hot girl in his office- but she belonged to someone else

one day johnny got so frustrated that he went up the the girl and said "ill give you $1000 if you let me screw you"

the girl said "no"

Johnny said "ill be fast, ill throw the money on the floor, you bend down and ill be finished by the time you are done picking it up"

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said "ok, but ask for $2000 and bend over and pickup the money real quick so he wont even be able to get his pants down"
so she accepts the proposal as offered

half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girl to call so they can think about what to do with the two grand.

Finnaly after 45 minutes the boyfriend call and asks "whats happening?" she replies "the bastard used coins"

[1 EYE]

that is long

[dannan_w]

nice using coins.....i never thought about that. lol

[thesoundmaster]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

[RevT]

Have you seen the movie constipation?

It aint come out yet....



A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop...


Enjoy the pork chops I'll be here all week.
RevT

[Slag]

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[Slag]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

[mattadams]

http://www.mattstruck.com/Documents/laughs/carmaintenance.asf

[mattadams]

http://www.mattstruck.com/Documents/laughs/PhoneBooth.wav

[Hypoid]

These are fun:

http://www.bofunk.com/video/2424/blondstar.html

http://www.glumbert.com/media/beautybrains

http://www.glumbert.com/media/carshoot

Maybe there is something to the phrase "old drunk":

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

That's enough for now, I need to catch my breath.

[thesoundmaster]

http://www.mattstruck.com/Documents/laughs/carmaintenance.asf


that was priceless!!!! "you're gunna need 2 transmissions for this type car"

[mattadams]

OK I just listened to this... funny as hell.. takes about 10 minutes, takes a while to get started...
http://a1135.g.akamai.net/f/1135/18227/1h/cchannel.download.akamai.com/18227/podcast/PHOENIX-AZ/KZZP-FM/snake-dontusethemouth.mp3

[mattadams]

This is totally lame, but reminded me of a conversation with Heath a few weeks ago LOL
http://www.madblast.com/index.cfm?action=view&id=4175

[mattadams]

From this months Maxim...
Bill and Tom are getting trashed at a bar when Tom vomits on himself.
"oh, no" he says "my wife is gonna kill me"
"Dont worry" replies Bill "Just tuck a twenty in your pocket and tell her someone threw up on you and gave you money for dry cleaning"
They stay awhile and get even drunker. When Tom stumbles home, his wife screams "You reek of booze, and you've puked on yourself!"
"I only had a few drinks" Tom slurs "this other guy got sick on me. He gave me 20 bucks for th cleaning bill"
His wife looks in his pocket and says "but this is 40 bucks"
"Oh yeah I nearly forgot" says Tom "he shit my pants, too"

[Walking Eagle]

From this months Maxim...
Bill and Tom are getting trashed at a bar when Tom vomits on himself.
"oh, no" he says "my wife is gonna kill me"
"Dont worry" replies Bill "Just tuck a twenty in your pocket and tell her someone threw up on you and gave you money for dry cleaning"
They stay awhile and get even drunker. When Tom stumbles home, his wife screams "You reek of booze, and you've puked on yourself!"
"I only had a few drinks" Tom slurs "this other guy got sick on me. He gave me 20 bucks for th cleaning bill"
His wife looks in his pocket and says "but this is 40 bucks"
"Oh yeah I nearly forgot" says Tom "he shit my pants, too"

That was a good one.

[Cricketbug]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then would catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,our son in-law."

[Cricketbug]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in
pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[Cricketbug]

This one's my all time favorite....

A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." So the string walks out.

The next day - the same thing happens. The same string walks into the bar and the bartender says, "I told you yesterday - we don't serve strings here." Again, the string walks out.

The third day - the string walks back into the bar, but something's different. He's tied in a knot and his hair is rumpled. The bartender, who by now is getting pissed, says, "Hey, I keep telling you, we don't serve strings here. Aren't you the same string that keeps coming in?"

The string replies, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot"

*ba-dump-ching* :D

[Walking Eagle]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then would catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,our son in-law."

:rofl:

[JuBean]

This one's my all time favorite....

A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." So the string walks out.

The next day - the same thing happens. The same string walks into the bar and the bartender says, "I told you yesterday - we don't serve strings here." Again, the string walks out.

The third day - the string walks back into the bar, but something's different. He's tied in a knot and his hair is rumpled. The bartender, who by now is getting pissed, says, "Hey, I keep telling you, we don't serve strings here. Aren't you the same string that keeps coming in?"

The string replies, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot"

*ba-dump-ching* :D
*deep sigh* that was baaaad

[mattadams]

Alright a co-worker sent this one to me and I was laughing so hard I almost pissed myself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA

[dannan_w]

wow yall are good real good that is some funny stuff right there i tell you what. "if you dont think thats funny get outa here right now"

[Hypoid]

Then ya oughta like this one:

http://www.glumbert.com/media/mybox

This is still one of my favs, takes me back to my "long-hair" days:

http://www.glumbert.com/media/policebeat

[mattadams]

LOL Chris Rock has some funny stuff. Some of it is borderline offensive, but I can see the humor in most of it.
Though I think his mom was totally unfounded in her racism claim against Cracker Barrel, but thats another story for another day.

[Hypoid]

LOL, I learned all those lessons without getting my ass kicked. The "crazy friend" was the closest. When we got out of that situation he found out just how far my loyality could be stretched. 8~|

[thesoundmaster]

Alright a co-worker sent this one to me and I was laughing so hard I almost pissed myself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA


i just watched it and was rolling on the floor laughing!!!!

[Walking Eagle]

Cory sent this one to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeDedg_HrDI

[dannan_w]

wow i like that tv - the semen....lol

[Cricketbug]

Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

[Walking Eagle]

I don't know if the last one is funny or depressing.

[mattadams]

Reminds me of the $5000 worth of company stock I owned at one time that was worth about $2.50 before it was dropped from the stock exchange LOL. That was YEARS ago though, we are doing much better now. I still am leary of investing in my own company though!
Oh yeah, drop in the bucket to the $300,000 my dad estimates his stock lost when uswest/qwest stock took a nosedive.

[Hypoid]

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.Down at work someone told me that people drink more beer when the ecocomy is tight. Of the 3 years I've worked here, this slow cycle (after Christmas) is the busiest. It isn't a large volume compared to other seasons, but we are not walking around and picking up trash this year.

[RayLCC]

A farmer decided he couldn't make a living as a farmer anymore. So he thought and thought about how he could make the land and animals he loved turn a profit. Then one night it hit him! Bright and early the next day he started clearing his large barn of everything in it. He then set up microphones all over the barn so any sound that was made in the barn could be heard and tied the microphones into the phone lines. Then he had the town vet come over and surgically remove the lips from all of the cows and sheep in his herd. The vet thought he was nuts, but the farmer was willing to pay, so he performed the operations. The farmer then shoved the entire herd into the barn so they would be packed in together. Cows and sheep wiggling around and protesting loudly for their lack of space. The farmer was happy. There was only one more thing to do to ensure his new wealth. He placed adds in every erotic newspaper and smutt-mag he could find. The add read: New phone sex number! A different uncontrolable orgy every night! Call and see for yourself! $5.99 a minute.And sure enough, when the callers dialed the line they heard dozens of voices hollering 'OOOOOOO.... AAAAAHHHH' repeatedly. The line was a success and the farmer got rich and was able to retire in a few years. In a small town, talk gets around and everyone knew how the farmer made his fortune. But they always wondered.... So one day the vet stops by again and asks the farmer. "Bob, we all know you made a fortune on this sex line thing, and when I came here last you were settin up yer barn as a sound studio. I get that. But for the life of me I haven't seen any actors come and go. Where do you get the voices?""I get the voices from my herd" the farmer replies."Well then why'd you have me cut the lips off them? Wouldn't they be able to talk better with lips? and besides, when you call the sex line you hear an orgy with people saying OOOO and AHHH, what does that have to do cows and sheep?" The vet asked, a little confused"Well," the farmer replied... "You try sayin' 'MOO' and 'BAAA' with no lips." :)

[JuBean]

Miss Johnson, the third grade teacher sensed her class needed a break from the regular classroom activites.

"Class," she said, "Today we will spend some time talking about our futures. Let's begin by telling everyone what our fathers do for a living"

Little Suzy raised her hand "My daddy is a doctor. He spends all day making people who are sick feel better."

"Very good Suzy." said Miss Johnson. "Who else?"

Little Stevie raised his hand. "My dad works for Yellow Aircraft! He designs and tests these really cool RC airplanes. He has the best job in the world!"
"Wonderful Stevie. Who's next?", Miss Johnson asked.

Next was Johnny. "My dad is a corporate lawyer. He makes sure that the CEO's of big companies get to keep all of their money. He say's they're all crooks though."

Now the teacher was beginning to get uncomfortable. This wasn't the way she expected this to go. Nonetheless, she pressed on.

"Very...nice Johnny. I think that I'll choose who goes next though. Let me see." Spotting a small boy in the rear of the class avoiding her gaze, she called out, "Marcus, would you please tell us about your father?"

"No ma'am" Marcus replied.

"Now Marcus," the teacher prodded, "Everyone has a job and all jobs are important. Tell us, what does your father do?"

"Well, " said Marcus fidgiting in his seat, "My Dad's an exotic dancer. He works down at the **** bar on West Street. Men tuck him dollar bills in his g-string if they think he's cute, and I guess if he thinks they're cute, they get to come home with him. Last night I think that they were having a party in his bedroom because I heard..."

"Marcus that will do!!!" interrupted his teacher. "Class I think sharing time is over. Please take out your history books"

Later, Miss Johnson nervously approached little Marcus. "Marcus, " she began, "would you like to talk to me about your father? Is everything OK at home"

"Yeah," replied Marcus "It's OK. My Dad's not really an exotic dancer."

"Well why in the world would you make up something like that Marcus?", implored Miss Johnson.

"Well, " Marcus slowly replied, "My Dad plays for the Chicago Bears, and I didn't want anyone to know."

[Hypoid]

As plagerized: http://www.naxja.org/forum/showpost.php?p=243393034&postcount=1


An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the northern wilderness. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm began. Fortunately they came across an empty isolated cabin.

It was a simple place... one room with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the very large, potbellied, cast-iron stove. But, strangely, it was suspended in mid air by wires attached to ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he is distributing heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP is a religious symbol."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling. "Its like this you see," he says "I had plenty of wire, but only three feet of stove pipe."

[Walking Eagle]

Saw this one on another forum.

Medical Miracles

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together, and now she's a senator from New York."

[mattadams]

I just did this on my co-workers computer when he left for lunch... me thinks I'll need to lock my workstation from now on... :)
http://break.com/index/windows_prank.html (http://fordtruckworld.tenmagazines.com/visit.asp?http://break.com/index/windows_prank.html)

[Heath]

That one is messed up... I love it...

[Walking Eagle]

I pulled that one here at work a couple of years ago. I went over real nice.

[RayLCC]

How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?--------A: One, but it has to be the same shape and wattage as every other light bulb on the block.

[MMPC]

Ray---c'mon---you can do much better than that! I'm disappointed. :pokeit:

[Hypoid]

http://www.nuttyhumor.com/details.php?image_id=412

This one might have repercussions in the workplace. LOL

Fun site all the same!

[MMPC]

That's hilarious! :rofl:

[dannan_w]

nice i like the windows one.

[MMPC]

I just did this on my co-workers computer when he left for lunch... me thinks I'll need to lock my workstation from now on... :)
http://break.com/index/windows_prank.html (http://fordtruckworld.tenmagazines.com/visit.asp?http://break.com/index/windows_prank.html)

Well...how did it go over?

[mattadams]

It took him a day or so before he finally went ot network admin for the problem. I had already informed the network admin of the prank so he knew how ot fix it. Rob says he is going to kick my ass... or come up with an even better prank... we'll see.

[MMPC]

Rob says he is going to...come up with an even better prank... we'll see.
How do I contact Rob? :D

[mattadams]

I was trying to find one of these for Courtney and found some other ones.
http://www.funnypart.com/pictures/FunnyPart-com-failing_your_math_test.jpg
http://failing-your-math-test.funnypart.com/


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/math_test_elephant.jpg

http://www.drinkalot.com/_pictures/math.jpg

[thesoundmaster]

the sad thing is i had math teachers who would have thought that hilarious in high school

[Hypoid]

http://bigpicture.typepad.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/driving_too_fast.jpg

http://www.toilette-humor.com/driving-fast.html

[Tilt168]

http://bigpicture.typepad.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/driving_too_fast.jpg

http://www.toilette-humor.com/driving-fast.html

bwahahahaaha! omg that made my morning!

[shawns 64 F100]

I love them Driving too fast pics! gonna have to see if my rosarie can do that today :thumbsup:

[fox]

http://bigpicture.typepad.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/driving_too_fast.jpg

http://www.toilette-humor.com/driving-fast.html
my buddy had that last one as a screen saver for a while. I still laugh every time I see it. Makes me think of my dog when he gets in the bronco

[RayLCC]

Its probably about 90 years old, but... Here goes......................You Might Be From Colorado If...... You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car. ... You thought "Californication" would be banned by Amendment 2. ... You think "South Park" is a place to stop for gas on your way to Buena Vista. ... You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a McDonald's in Vail. ... You have a flat tire in your refrigerator and your garage. ... You tell your husband to pick up granola on his way home from work and he stops at the day care. ... You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne or Dakota that wears a bandanna. ... You cast out your fishing line while white-water rafting. ... You've never seen the tourist attractions in your own city. ... All summer you thought a redneck named "Bubby" was gonna be your quarterback. ...You think a pass does not involve a football or a woman. ... You are 82 years old and take up snowboarding. ... Your SUV tire size exceeds your IQ. ... Your real Y2K fear is running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix. ... The entire top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. ... You personally wouldn't pay $10 per head to drive up Pikes Peak unless it was the only mountain on earth, but you tell all our house-guests to do it. ... You can recite the entire Bible from memory, but can't remember to use your turn signal (CO Springs). ... You get depressed after one day of foggy weather. ... You wear the latest fashions a year after they went out of style. ... You think that formal wear is ironed denim. ... North means "mountains to the left;" south is "mountains to the right;" and east and west are where all those damned liberals keep moving in from. ... You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and you notice the sky is no longer blue. ... You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt and Birkenstocks. ... You see your East Coast relatives now more than when you lived there. ... You think gun control is not dropping it. ... Your bridal registry is at REI. ... You can run up 10 flights of stairs without huffing and puffing. ... You've ever stood on solid ground and looked down on an airplane in flight.

[Tilt168]

^ nice but its FAT tire not flat tire....

[Heath]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.As
he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.Were
they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here, we'd get screwed
.so we're just waiting.

[fox]

http://www.rmftc.com/gallery/data/500/slow_down2.jpg

[thesoundmaster]

Since saturday is St. Patties Day...

An Irish man moves to America from Ireland. He quickly finds a job and a house, and then proceeds to find the nearest Irish Pub inbetween.

Entering the bar the Irish man says to the bartender " Ill have me three Guiness Stout Ales please" The Bartender pours the beers and hands them to the Irish guy. The man takes the first pint takes a sip, then the second pint and takes a sip, and then the third pint and takes a sip. He repeats this until all three beers are gone.

He then walks up to the bartender and says "may I have three more Guiness Stout Ales please" to which the bartender replies "Sir they are really much better cold. So here's what Ill do, Ill pour you one now and if you want more you can come back and order another."

The Irish Guy stops a second with a puzzled look on his face and says "Oh you mean the funny way I am drinkin', well you see when me brothers and I left Ireland , one to France and one to New Zealand, we made a pact that we would always drink this way in remembrance of the others."

"Oh" says the bartender and he pours the man his three Guiness Stout ales.

A couple years pass and the all the regulars at the bar come to know the mans tale about the irish guy, his brothers and their pact.

One fine day the Irish man walks into the pub and says "Ill have me two Guiness Stout ales please."

The Bartender taken aback says "lemme be the first to offer my condolences on the death of one of your brothers."

The Irish Man again gets a puzzled look on his face.... "Oh you mean me not orderin' me three Guiness Stout Ales. Well you see I became a baptist and had ta give up drinkin'! "

[RayLCC]

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.
"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

[Hypoid]

LENT:

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.

[RayLCC]

Two old farmers were sitting on the porch talking about old times."I remember one easter sunday when I was younger. I decided to play a trick on the chickens and replaced their eggs with the collored easter eggs the kids made. I sat back right here in this very spot and waited for the fireworks to start once them chickens caught on to what happened.""Well, did it get the chickens rilled?" The other farmer asked."Naw, the chickens didn't seem to mind, but the rooster took one look at the eggs, stormed out of the chicken coop and beat the hell out of the peacock." :)

[RayLCC]

The Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part I) He's missing a finger on each hand -- probably from making bombs. "Will you chase that ghost for a Scooby snack?" "Ro!" "Two Scooby Snacks?" "Ruh-uh." "If we promise to overthrow the imperialist corporate world by any means necessary?" "Reah! Reah!" Those square pants are ticking. The move to Kabul, plus the name change: "Foghorn bin Leghorn." "Gee, the current administration's policies sure seem ill-advised and counterproductive to me, Mr. Peabody." Mumbles something about "the mother of all pic-i-nic baskets." He's got a bushy beard and is always attacking one of our finest sailors because they both want to control Oyl. It appears Marcy just strapped a pink missile to Peppermint Patty's crotch. Frequent delivery of "ACME HIGHLY-ENRICHED POLONIUM-210" crates to his badlands cave lair, although he has no apparent source of income. Only buys a one-way ticket on the pterodactyl to Bedrock. He has a brother named Chemical LePew. Surfaces in Guantanamo saying, "I knew I shouldn't have made that left turn at al-B'Qurqi!" Picks up his beak, places it back on face and declares, "This means jihad!"The Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II) Maybe it's the burqas, but there's something unsettling about Jihad and the Pussycats. Miss Hannigan is hard of hearing and thinks she has been promised 72 urchins. You overhear "Eh, what's up, bin Doc?" Who else would have masterminded the tainted spinach outbreak last September? You hear "Arriba! Arriba!" and look up to see an unattended, ticking package where there was nothing a moment before. Cathy hasn't packed on as many pounds over the years as you'd think: "Ack! This sweater won't fit over my suicide belt!" "I tawt I taw an imperialit devil. I did! I did see an imperialit devil!" He's on Al-Jazeera declaring, "Ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdeath to America!" When that sociopathic, sadistic bitch once again yanks the football away from Charlie Brown, he cuts off her hands then has her stoned to death. Your interrogators seem to think this Pinocchio character is lying. "Duck season!" "Rabbit season!" "Duck season!" "Rabbit season!" "Rabbit season!" "DucKA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!" Seen taking ACME BAT WING flying lessons without learning how to land. "I will gladly pay you Tuesday for some mustard gas today."

[Tilt168]

The Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part I) He's missing a finger on each hand -- probably from making bombs. "Will you chase that ghost for a Scooby snack?" "Ro!" "Two Scooby Snacks?" "Ruh-uh." "If we promise to overthrow the imperialist corporate world by any means necessary?" "Reah! Reah!" Those square pants are ticking. The move to Kabul, plus the name change: "Foghorn bin Leghorn." "Gee, the current administration's policies sure seem ill-advised and counterproductive to me, Mr. Peabody." Mumbles something about "the mother of all pic-i-nic baskets." He's got a bushy beard and is always attacking one of our finest sailors because they both want to control Oyl. It appears Marcy just strapped a pink missile to Peppermint Patty's crotch. Frequent delivery of "ACME HIGHLY-ENRICHED POLONIUM-210" crates to his badlands cave lair, although he has no apparent source of income. Only buys a one-way ticket on the pterodactyl to Bedrock. He has a brother named Chemical LePew. Surfaces in Guantanamo saying, "I knew I shouldn't have made that left turn at al-B'Qurqi!" Picks up his beak, places it back on face and declares, "This means jihad!"The Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II) Maybe it's the burqas, but there's something unsettling about Jihad and the Pussycats. Miss Hannigan is hard of hearing and thinks she has been promised 72 urchins. You overhear "Eh, what's up, bin Doc?" Who else would have masterminded the tainted spinach outbreak last September? You hear "Arriba! Arriba!" and look up to see an unattended, ticking package where there was nothing a moment before. Cathy hasn't packed on as many pounds over the years as you'd think: "Ack! This sweater won't fit over my suicide belt!" "I tawt I taw an imperialit devil. I did! I did see an imperialit devil!" He's on Al-Jazeera declaring, "Ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdeath to America!" When that sociopathic, sadistic bitch once again yanks the football away from Charlie Brown, he cuts off her hands then has her stoned to death. Your interrogators seem to think this Pinocchio character is lying. "Duck season!" "Rabbit season!" "Duck season!" "Rabbit season!" "Rabbit season!" "DucKA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!" Seen taking ACME BAT WING flying lessons without learning how to land. "I will gladly pay you Tuesday for some mustard gas today."

what?

[mattadams]

Not sure who heard about this one in the news:
http://images.theglobeandmail.com/archives/RTGAM/images/20070510/WBthehardsell20070510133717/divorce.jpg

[thesoundmaster]

^^^^^^ Thats butal but hilarious!

[NorthernStar08]

I wish you were within bitch slapping distance. :flipoff2:


ME FIRST I WANT TO SLAP HIM FIRST!

[NorthernStar08]

the sad thing is i had math teachers who would have thought that hilarious in high school


I once said something worse to the point my teacher was like WOW cause she actully thought i was an innocent child cause I never cussed in her class let alone talked.


Its math I hate it so why would I talk?